The Keynote-Papers – das Event leaked (The Columns)

As always, Apfelpage is well informed. What am I saying, better informed! Through an immense sum of bribes, the false promise of a new identity and not least through personal intervention on site, we managed to get an internal memo with stage directions for Apple’s keynote on September 12th. Please note that the document was written on paper with secret ink, was Caesar encrypted and dated 05.09. wore. We couldn’t decipher all parts, but the most important thing should become clear. (Warning, satire! No, we don’t have a real memo!)

(Tim! Change clothes! Not your favorite polo shirt, please!) Boss strolling in Apple Park, greenery and glass in the background. Text: Announcements new iPhones, new materials, new names, new buttons, new connectors, new operating systems – everything new! (You can do it, Tim!)

(Who controls this sh…drone?) Drone (don’t end up in the lake with non-invasive species again! Which intern was last?). Pan to John inside (How does that sh…drone get in? Open the window!)

John (legs apart please. In that round thing with lots of light). Text: New iPhones, new iPhone 15, new connector (memorize: USB-C – speak as letters, not words!). Best iPhone 15 ever. Pan to Johny (No, not a drone! Just turn the camera around!)

Johny (Don’t yell like that again!) (Just read the slides! Dynamic Island – yes, it’s not bad… it’s an advantage, gimmick, great!) USB-C, best iPhone 15 ever. After (!) (not before) iPhone 15 Plus. Text: Best iPhone 15 ever, USB-C, chip, storage, cameras (the usual). Pan to John.

John (casual but confident). Text: New iPhones 15 Pro, new connector, USB-C, best iPhone 15 Pro ever. Pan to Johny (It must work out slowly!).

Johny (please calm down even if you’re nervous) (Memo to social media department: delete the memes of this immediately!). Text: Pro. Per. Per. Titanium, telephoto lens, USB-C, chip, frame, glass (the usual). Drone to Tim. (Please practice again beforehand!)

Tim (casual, please! And in front of the rainbow thingy). (Up to this point, no woman! After that, straight to Lisa!) Pro is no longer Pro. Pro is Ultra! (Memo to Marketing: What’s the nonsense?). Drone to Lisa (NO! Don’t put it back on the roof! We promised Lisa!)

Lisa (blah as always!) Supply chain, sustainability, materials, titanium made vegan by fair farmers in Nicaragua. Climate! (NO, we won’t put you back on the roof and leave you there! Suggestions? Switch to a farm in Nicaragua?)

XXX (illegible)

John (change position, now humble, statesmanlike). Ultra. Titanium. Better. iPhone 15 Ultra. Cool! Pan to Tim.

(No rainbow thingy now!) (You can do it, boss!) Announcements New iPhones, new materials, new names, new buttons, new connectors and now new operating systems. (Where’s Craig?)

Memo to Prop: Make sure the shirt is buttoned! Not like last time!

(No, Craig, not a Mission Impossible bike-over-a-cliff thing, just stand there!) Software. Remember to name EVERYTHING (not like last time). Please EXACTLY in this order: Poster, NameDrop, Autocorrect, Dictation, Messages App, Journal, Siri (without Hey), Standby, AirTag, Shared Passwords. (YES! Stand still. NO! No stunts this time! NO guitar) Pan to Tim.

Tim (You can do it, boss!). Last good thing. Titanium, titanium, titanium, Nicaragua, vegan (taboo word like last time AI is now: LEATHER! DON’T say LEATHER, boss! No way!). Apple Watch in titanium! Drone (Careful!!!) to Jeff Williams.

Jeff (NO, not back to the mountains, just to this round thing with us). Watch Ultra, Titan, the usual! (pan to Tim)

Can you do it, boss! A nice demeanor! Repeat all that stuff and goodbye! (To team: YES, the boss can try as many times as he wants!)

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